Re-Start of Search for Nirvana

As expected, I can't sleep.

Despite the effort to adjust my sleeping schedule, I may as well admit that I indeed live in the night. It seems that my thoughts and restlessness are much louder than when I hear other things during the day; the ticking of the clock is nuiscant - which screams at my ear when everyone and everything is asleep.

Several attempts have come by to "start" the search, but to no avail. I guess, though, that all that have happened must be fragments of what build myself, that I have to be more patient. This has to be another chapter.

Haruki Murakami's 600-page Wind Up Bird Chronicle has been a pending book I have to finish before this year ends. I had started with it at the start of the 2nd half of this year when I thought of leaving my company. What astonished me with this read is that everything as I've gone through each chapter has had much congruence with my current situation. Though I haven't really resigned, it has dealt a lot with how much I want to be in my own deep well, how I've been in one, and at the end of the day still have to be out there to face the world. This year has been quite depressing.

While I can only speak for myself, it seems apparent that everybody has had his own struggles. Almost every sin is upon me when I come across someone who has that level of hope that I can't seem to settle with, and I have to say I feel envious for being relatively help and hope-less.

Now, as I get back to the book, I felt more lost than how I felt about leaving my job. Every chapter is such an effort, and I can hardly seem to connect any of the words and the meanings to anything -- just as how I'm feeling. I just want to rest, but that too, is work. I know for a fact that apathy won't do any good, as i've tested it and nothing has worked. But for crying out loud, no answer comes to my head and my heart. It's plain awful.

This is a lost and found journal. I can't expect that the next blogs may have to be an answer to the questions, but I'm begging for bits and pieces that will help me get to where I have to be.

I become one of the profoundly poor souls I have pitied in my life. Help is much needed.